[REQz] Merchant-like gibberish

[ZuTheSkunk]

As you probably saw, one of the features of my mod is a ghostly merchant living in a market stand that appears to be pretty much out-of-place (see the description for details). He's totally insane, because he can't see that he is a ghost living in the middle of a giant, abandoned temple - he believes that he's stationed in the market full of customers (and other merchants as well).

The thing is, he's intended to be constantly talking all kinds of various merchant-like gibberish whenever player is in the room, as well as when he starts the conversation with player and greets him. You know, things like "You won't find better prices in all Tamriel!", "Forget other merchants! If I don't have it, no one has!", "My prices are so low that it's almost like giving everything for free! Best prices in the world!". He's also intended to repair items and recharge items, so he could mention that too.

What I need is a help with creating such gibberish. I would like to have as many lines of such gibberish as possible, and I'm personally not very good in creating them. So, if you have any ideas for the things my merchant could be saying, post them please. The more the better.

[Lanceor]

Oooh, this will be fun. I love infotainment commercials.

Here's some over the top ones (including some silly ones since he's insane):

"Are you tired of (common minor problem such as flabby thighs / body hair / beer belly)? Well I've got just the product for you!"

"You can slice with it! You can dice with it! You can... (more functions that should be common sense or implausible)"

"But wait there's more!"

"That's right! This sword has not one but TWO edges!"

"If you purchase this today, I'll throw this (item of questionable value) ABSOLUTELY FREE!"

"It has not three, not two, not one but absolutely NO USE AT ALL!"

"But I KNOW you want more! That's why I'll throw in ABSOLUTELY FREE (another item of questionable value)"

"Each item comes with a money back guarantee!"

"This (product) is the result of years of research and development to make a superior (common everyday object)!"

Repair:

"Sword looking dull? You need SWORD POLISH 3000! With it's patented Dwemer molecular repair technology, it will have your sword looking better than new!"

Recharging:

"Why recharge your weapon with a varla stone when you can POWER CHARGE it with our patented FUSION-X Power Charging System?"

Tell me some products you want him to pitch and I'll come up with some over-the-top sales pitches for you.

[ZuTheSkunk]

That's some great collection! I wouldn't have thought about these. They definitely inspired me to create some additional lines for myself. Thanks!

Tell me some products you want him to pitch and I'll come up with some over-the-top sales pitches for you.

Well... no specific products, to be honest. He's just a type of merchant who's supposed to have everything. Weapon, armor, food, lockpick, book, toilet paper, teddy bear - no matter. Whatever it is, he may be selling it.

One important thing about this merchant that I haven't mentioned is that he's a Khajiit, and thus he can also e.g. mention his homeland of Elsweyr.

[AndalayBay]

Oooh, this will be fun. I love infotainment commercials.

Here's some over the top ones (including some silly ones since he's insane):

"Are you tired of (common minor problem such as flabby thighs / body hair / beer belly)? Well I've got just the product for you!"

"You can slice with it! You can dice with it! You can... (more functions that should be common sense or implausible)"

"But wait there's more!"

"That's right! This sword has not one but TWO edges!"

"If you purchase this today, I'll throw this (item of questionable value) ABSOLUTELY FREE!"

"It has not three, not two, not one but absolutely NO USE AT ALL!"

"But I KNOW you want more! That's why I'll throw in ABSOLUTELY FREE (another item of questionable value)"

"Each item comes with a money back guarantee!"

"This (product) is the result of years of research and development to make a superior (common everyday object)!"

Repair:

"Sword looking dull? You need SWORD POLISH 3000! With it's patented Dwemer molecular repair technology, it will have your sword looking better than new!"

Recharging:

"Why recharge your weapon with a varla stone when you can POWER CHARGE it with our patented FUSION-X Power Charging System?"

Tell me some products you want him to pitch and I'll come up with some over-the-top sales pitches for you.

Clearly... somebody has been watching waaaayyyy too many infomercials Please, Zu, adopt these in moderation Mind you, you could say your mod is a replacement for the Annoying Fan. Then you'd just need to get your guy to follow the player so he can show him Dive Rock

I do have to admit though - I really like the "this sword has not one but two edges..." That's priceless

Edited March 4, 2011 by AndalayBay

[ZuTheSkunk]

Please, Zu, adopt these in moderation

Too late.

Mind you, you could say your mod is a replacement for the Annoying Fan. Then you'd just need to get your guy to follow the player so he can show him Dive Rock

Well, that guy remains safely locked in a separate room and is basically immovable, so unless someone needs to enter that area very often, there shouldn't be a problem. I hope.

Besides, what would you expect in the middle of the temple built by Sheogorath himself?

[AndalayBay]

True...

[Lanceor]

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may have seen me in such stage plays as...." (Washed up actors often end up doing infomercials.)

"Finally! The product that Tamriel has been waiting for is yours to own!"

"How much should you pay for this fine (product)? 5000 septims? 3000 septims? NO! It's yours for just 299 septims!"

"Limited one-time offer!"

"Limit of 10 per customer!"

"Only while stocks last!"

"Only for the first ten customers!"

"Don't be the last to own a (OTT product name)!"

"Never again will this (product) be available at such a bargain price!"

"If you have been unable to obtain a (product) because it was sold out, we have just received a small shipment. Act now before it's too late!"

[AndalayBay]

Oh, gods no - what have we unleashed? Now we know what Lanceor watches in the early hours of the morning...

[ZuTheSkunk]

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may have seen me in such stage plays as...." (Washed up actors often end up doing infomercials.)

Um, I think that this one is a bit too much out of place. The rest is, however, just fine!

[Mysterious Mr. Bear]

You should reword the PowerThirst commercials into PowerSword, that would make my day

Only joking!! That WOULD be a bit much....I think Lanceor has it covered anyway...

[ZuTheSkunk]

@Bear:

Well, I just checked one of them, and they are a bit exaggerated indeed... although I think that I can incorporate a fragment of it into a single line.

Edited March 5, 2011 by ZuTheSkunk

[HeyYou]

How about random 'insults' to the player?

"How much did you pay for that armor? WHAT? You got ROBBED!"

[ZuTheSkunk]

@HeyYou, that's some excellent idea. Surely will fit him just nicely.

One drawback about this idea is that he can accidentally say this right after selling something to the player, creating quite grotesque situation. But, considering the fact he's completely insane, it's even better!