Funny Replies You Make to NPCs.

[The Vyper]

I sometimes think it's funny to reply to things said by NPCs. Here's a few examples:

NPC: "You have quite a bounce to your step. You must be an acrobat."

Me: "Why are you watching the way I walk? Are you attracted to me, or something?"

Imperial Watch: "You have my ear, citizen."

Me: "Do you want it back?"

NPC: "You have the hands of a healer."

Me: "I also have the ear of a guard. Wanna see what else I've got?"

NPC: "It's you. The Hero of Kvatch! This is truly an honor."

Me: "I don't recall seeing you at Kvatch. How did you know it was me?"

NPC: "Why are you bothering me?"

Me: "Because I'm not bothering someone else yet."

Imperial Watch: "You. I've seen your type before. You have blood on your hands."

Me: "Yep, and I believe it's yours!" *kills guard*

Imperial Watch: "What are you looking for?"

Me: "The Dark Brotherhood. Have you seen any of them around?"

Imperial Watch: "If you've got to travel, by the Nine Divines, stay on the roads. The wilderness just isn't safe anymore. We've had sightings, you see. The Daedra.."

Me: "How much do bandits bribe you to say that?"

Imperial Watch during Persuasion: "Talk tough to me. I like tough guys."

Me:"Okaaay, I'm leaving now."

Bandit: "Throw yourself on my sword while you still can!"

Me:"Taht's just wrong." *kills bandit*

So what are some of yours? Or am I the only one who has fun doing this?

[YX33A]

NPC Taunt: You Elves are all the same, all flash and no fury.

PC Response: HAAAADOOOOKENNN! means Nuclear Blast in three.. two...

[YX33A]

NPC Foo' Who's attacking me: You'll make a fine pair of boots, Lizard!

Me: Funny, I was just about to say that to you, elf.

[Maigrets]

Dark Elf says to me: What hole did you crawl out of?

Me: The one you're about to fall into!

Agarmir as I walk past him: Ayyy!

Me: Nord's. How uncouth. You'll pay for that! Ayiiieee!

Me sneaking around Skingrad trying to avoid Glathir, but not succeeding

Glathir: Psst! Over here!

Me: Are you psychic! I was invisible, go away.

[Joben]

NPC: "What is it now?"

PC: "I didn't even talk to you, leave me alone!"

[The Vyper]

Me: *sneaks up behind a Bandit in a fort, fires Iron Arrow into Bandit's rear and remains undetected*

Bandit: "Must have been the wind."

Me: "Yeah, that's it. The breeze in here blew an arrow up your bum. Oh look! It happened again." *Bandit dies, killer breeze to blame *

Bandit: "You move like a pregnant cow!"

Me: "Never compare me to your mother!" *kills bandit*

Emperor: "You are the one from my dreams."

Me: "Seriously? You're hitting on a prisoner? What, did the Imperial Concubine kick you out or something?"

Merchant: "I have the best goods and lowest prices in all of Cyrodiil."

Me: "So does everyone else."

[YX33A]

Amoz to PC: Wanna go replace the guards drinks with a frenzy potion?

Me: Why haven't I done so already? Lets do it and never look back!

Me: Dear Gods man. That being said, yes.

Me: Ho-lee Sh--. I think I just had a evilgasim.

Me: While I do agree that it sounds fun, I would like to mention that I have way more impotence potions.

Me: You mean you didn't already?

I can go on with him and me, but I think you get the point. Amoz = Hard Core Win Machine.

[YX33A]

Some Quest Specific Necromancer who's name I can't Remember: What have we here, another plaything?

Me: Is it naked time already?

Her again: You'll dance, yes you will. I will make your corpse dance and tear itself apart!

Me: You're Gross, but I guess you could care less if your bed mate is alive, friggin necromancer. I even brought a sandwich, but now you don't get it.

[The Vyper]

LOL, theses are great! Keep 'em coming!

Dremora: "Your flesh is mine, mortal!"

Zayede (My female Battlemage): "Not on the first date." *kills presumptuous Dremora*

NPC: "It has words? It can speak?"

Me "It also has a dagger. And It can remove your tongue."

Bandit: "I fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you!"

Sir Killsalot: "You're the one who killed my pets? I'LL KILL YOU TWICE!!" *kills bandit, then continues to hack at body for 2 hours*

Marauder to my Argonian: "You'll make a fine pair of boots, Argonian!"

Me: "I'll use your ribcage for a hat and your skin for a tapestry!" *kills marauder, removes ribcage and skin, wears ribcage as a hat, gets weird looks*

Imperial Watch: "Why! Won't! You! DIE!?"

Me: "Because you're too slow to hit me and too weak to kill me anyway!" *puts arrow through Imperial Watchman's eye*

NPC: "I have a feeling you and I are about to become very close."

Me: "Well yeah. I have to get close to kill you with this dagger." *kills amorous NPC*

[YX33A]

Imperial Watch enters a room that I'm in, sneaking about: My gods, this person is DEAD!

Moi: NO HE ISN'T, HE'S SLEEPING! SEE? NO BLOOD! YOU CAN LEAVE NOW!

/Watchmen leaves

Moi: Now, to plunge my knife into his throat...

[The Vyper]

Got some more:

NPC: "What do you want?"

Sir Killsalot: "To end your life!" *kills inquisitive NPC*

Guard: "What are you looking for?"

Me: "Trouble. You got any of that, or do I need to make some?"

Guard: "Stop! You've violated the law!"

Me: "I've violated more than that."

Guard: "Pay the court a fine, or serve you sentence."

Me: "I'm not paying squat, and if I serve anything grammar related, it'll be a paragraph, not a sentence." *resists arrest*

Guard: "Then pay with your blood!"

Me: "How about I pay with yours?" *kills guard, all of his buddies and everyone in town (needed to make sure I had enough blood to pay with)*

[Cliffworms]

While fighting alongside NPCs, I like to call them over as I try to defend myself or when I rush to their aid.

Yes, when playing games, I'm that crazy. I talk to the pixelated characters, ask them questions and answer them myself.

Actually, when gaming, I'm kind of like Gollum.

[The Vyper]

Time for some more...

Guard: "What are you looking for?"

Me: "Trouble. You got any of that, or will I need to provide my own?"

Khajiit just outside the gate to SI: "No, go away. I'm not here."

Me: "Then who's talking to me?"

Bolwing: "Fribble! Just fribble!"

Me: "And if I don't fribble?"

Bolwing: "I'll Kalicrak the Findoo. I will. You Terratet it!"

Me: "Umm, yeah. You do that. I'll be...somewhere else."

Chapel Healer: "How are you?"

Me: "You tell me. You're the healer."

NPC: "What can I do for you?"

Me: "I can think of several things."

NPC1: "Did you hear about the attack on the Chapel in Anvil? All of Dibella's priests and priestesses have been Murdered!"

NPC2: "By the Gods!"

NPC1: "No doubt."

Me: "Wait... You think the Gods go around murdering their priests and priestesses and use blood to leave messages declaring war on themselves? You're weird."

Bandit: "I need to cut down on the ale. Starting to see things, I am."

Me: "I'm sneaking. You're not supposed to see me, or even start to." *puts arrow through perceptive bandit's eye*

Marauder: "Must have been the wind."

Me: "How did you know that I'm called 'The Wind'?" *kills well informed marauder for knowing too much*

Guard: "Stop! You've violated the law!"

Me: "Well, what else am I supposed to violate? You?" *violates guard's face with arrows*

Bandit: "Don't feel bad. No one lives forever!"

Me: "Oh yeah? Well, I'm going to live forever or die trying! So there!" *kills happily mortal bandit*

[YX33A]

Guard: You have my ear, citizen

Me: Guess I'll take your liver while I'm at it then

*proceeds to butcher the guard, rend the flesh from his bones, and turn his kidney into a fancy hat*

[The Vyper]

Guard: You have my ear, citizen

Me: Guess I'll take your liver while I'm at it then

*proceeds to butcher the guard, rend the flesh from his bones, and turn his kidney into a fancy hat*

Lol, good one. I have a few more (okay, more than a few):

NPC: "What is it?"

Me: "I dunno. I was hoping you could tell me."

NPC: "I saw a mudcrab yesterday."

Me: "How special."

NPC: "Nasty little creatures."

Me: "They're prettier than you."

Guard: "Stop! You've violated the law!"

Me: "Yeah? Well, you're next!" *violates guard's face with a sword*

Bandit: "Jump on my sword while you still can!"

Zayede (my female Battlemage): "Thanks, but I'm not that desperate." *summons clannfear, watches bandit die unfulfilled*

Marauder: "Don't feel bad. No one lives forever!"

Zayede: "Speaking for yourself?" *casts Doomsday spell, marauder dies horribly* Zayede: "Thought so."

NPC who's just standing around: "Everybody needs a copy of the Black Horse Courier!"

Me: "Well then, stop shouting and start handing them out. Go on, get moving!"

Bandit: "Die, damn you!"

Me: "Damn me? No, damn you!" *kills bandit with a spell called Smite Evil*

NPC: "What can I do for you?"

Me: *evil grin*

This happened after I jumped off of a roof and landed right in front of a Guard:

Guard: "You've got quite a bounce to your step. You must be an acrobat."

Me: "Of course I'm an acrobat! What else would I be? A Cliffracer?"

Guard: "Do you have a death wish, citizen? Put that weapon away or I'll put you down myself!"

Me: "Actually, I do have a death wish. Care to try granting it? *kills guard, 10 of his buddies and half the town*

Guard: "Hail, good citizen. I speak for the Emperor. At least, I did."

Me: "Listen, pal, I met the Emperor and he didn't have any trouble speaking for himself."

NPC in SI: "If you see a Shambles dying, get real close. They'll heal you."

Me: "Care to demonstrate that?"

NPC in SI: "I know where Sheogorath is. He's hiding in my house. In a cupboard. But he's invisible."

Me: "Really? Yeah, that sounds like something he'd do."

Khajiit just outside the gate to SI: "You can't see me. You can't see me. No one can see me."

Me: "Who said that?"

Bolwing "Gorble. Can't you hear them gorbling?"

Me: "Gorbling? It sounds more like a game of Bandersnatching the Jabberwoki to me."

Bolwing: "I've got a Quintat that says they can ipanate."

Me: "Oh yeah? Well, I've got an Octat that says they can't."

Golden Saint: "Speak quickly, mortal."

Me: "I'mtryingtogettoNewSheothtoseeSheogorathcanyoutellmethefastestwaythere?"

[syscrusher]

Me sneaking around Skingrad trying to avoid Glathir, but not succeeding

Glathir: Psst! Over here!

Me: Are you psychic! I was invisible, go away.

True story, though I've only been able to pull it off with one character so far...

Sneaking around Oblivion, trying to avoid Glarthir, but not succeeding...

G: Psst! Over here!

Me: No, come this way (leading him away at a rapid clip...)

Me: Keep on coming....just a little further....just a bit more....come on, Glarthir... (keep leading him around the city toward...)

Why look....a random Oblivion gate....

Me: Come on, Glarthir, we can talk in secret behind that thing....

The clannfears ate him. (Burp)

[syscrusher]

True story, though I've only been able to pull it off with one character so far...

Sneaking around Oblivion, trying to avoid Glarthir, but not succeeding...

G: Psst! Over here!

Me: No, come this way (leading him away at a rapid clip...)

Me: Keep on coming....just a little further....just a bit more....come on, Glarthir... (keep leading him around the city toward...)

Why look....a random Oblivion gate....

Me: Come on, Glarthir, we can talk in secret behind that thing....

The clannfears ate him. (Burp)

To clarify... that's my presumption. I led him in then ducked behind cover while he fought. I never found the body in the tall grass, but he never came around again, so I *think* they killed him and then his body went away on the next cell reset. But I may never know for sure. Maybe he went into the gate and the cell reset took him away. I don't care as long as he's gone.

More complex than ~disable, but much more fun.

Back to the original topic:

NPC in battle: "Today you will know pain!"

Me, after killing them: "So, how'd that plan work out for you?"

[Arthmoor]

After stealing some corn, and taking some bites from it:

Guard: You have my ear, citizen

Me: You wouldn't want it back now anyway.